Arrogance is a big problem
I would like to talk about something that makes us idiots and uncomfortable in our daily life, and that is arrogance. Usually, when we talk about arrogance the first thing that comes to mind is trying to bully someone or showing off. We don’t see the real part of arrogance immediately. When we talk about attachment, hatred and ignorance, the essential negative emotions that we call the Three Poisons, we think that everything is about them. But sometimes I think from another perspective. That arrogance is also a big, big problem. When you are arrogant, you are not a good listener. Because of arrogance, you stop listening to people. I don’t mean you are not listening at all, but you are not trying to understand. Because you think you already understand it. So, because of arrogance, you don’t understand the situation well. Often someone tries to tell you something and think you understand it even before someone tells you about it. When they say A, you immediately think they are going to say BCDEFG. You are predicting what they are going to say, what they think.
There are a lot of assumptions happening because of arrogance. You don’t listen but you try to answer. Sometimes you read it the wrong way. Because of that form of arrogance, we don’t listen to each other. When you are arrogant, you feel you already know something, and since you think you already know, you are not aware of the situation. Your brain tells you, “You know everything, no need to look around.” People can cut their finger when they think, “This is my kitchen, I know everything. I cut the vegetables very often.” Then they cut their finger, because they are careless thinking, “I know everything.” In the same way, when you are arrogant, it makes you unaware of the situation. It also makes you unaware when someone cheats you, when someone lies to you. You are not able to detect things.
What is arrogance? Sometimes we think, “I am smart.” That could be arrogance. Everyone is smart at their level. You are smarter than your dog – maybe (laughs). Then, you are smarter than some people. So yes, you are smart. But are you really, really smart? You are not. If you think you are very smart, then probably you are not that smart. If you think you are smart, you think that your view is right. When you think that whatever you think is right, that means you are not smart. Whatever you say, you think it is true. Yes, you may be honest and trying to say the truth but being honest doesn’t mean that whatever you say has to be true. You make mistakes, you also can have wrong information. At this time in this world, you can find some sort of information everywhere. You can find good ones, fake ones, made up ones, joking ones, and some information that comes from AI. All that information is floating around you.
If you think at that moment that you are smart, you are not doing well. With so much information around you, you should be able to think, “I can be cheated by information. I may miss detecting some information as wrong, and think it is right.” Nowadays I feel that many people are brainwashed easily and are not able to follow the right thing because of all that information floating all over the internet. We are all able to use Google. In earlier times we would ask, “Who can make a cake?” Only five people would raise their hands and you would think, these are smart people who know how to make cake. Now when you ask, “Who can make cake?” everyone will say, “I can make cake. I will watch it on youtube and come back.” You think you can do surgery and can just look at youtube! (laughs) So people think they know things because of all that information. Usually we say that something is better than nothing. It’s good that you have information. The bad thing is when it makes you feel that you can make cake and do surgery and so forth.
You could be wrong
So having information is good, but believing in that information and thinking you are right, that you are able to do those things, that you know how to do those things, I think this comes from arrogance. Therefore, any time when we listen to something, when we talk to some people, always remember that you can be cheated. You might have misinformation, you could be wrong. That kind of awareness should be with you all the time. Don’t feel, “I am right, I know I have the right information. Nobody can cheat me.” In earlier times, kings thought nobody could cheat them but actually all kings are being cheated all the time, by the people around them. Same point I heard was when Gelek Rimpoche said, “Make sure your dog is not walking you, but you are walking your dog.” You may think you are doing something, but who knows who is cheating, who is the director, and who is the actor. It’s hard to tell.
I think arrogance makes us feel like we know things and since we feel that way, we think we are smart and good enough. Because of all of that, whenever we talk, we talk as if nobody else knows anything. That we know everything. Then we say, “Whatever I say is right.” And when we listen to someone that we like, we immediately think, “That’s right, that’s right.” You don’t analyze, you don’t check whether it is right or not. In earlier times people didn’t think they were that smart, they did not feel that arrogant. Because of that they made sure everything was right and checked and tested. Nowadays people think, “I have a phone in my hand, I know everything.” Because of that, sometimes it makes people easy to lure. The person thinks, “I know everything, whatever I listen to from that person is 100% right.” They don’t check what that person is talking about.
Arrogance blinds us and irritates others
You told yourself, “I am smart, nobody can cheat me.” You are being cheated, but you don’t know you are being cheated, because of your arrogance. It is not in your dictionary that someone can cheat you or lie to you. So arrogance makes us blind. There are two things: when someone is above you, if they have more skills than you, if they have more money than you or more power or whatever, then you feel like when they say something, it goes in your ear. When someone is younger than you, of different social status that is weaker than you, then you feel like they don’t know anything and you ignore them. That kind of blindness is coming from arrogance.
Therefore, arrogance makes you blind and not only that: it also irritates other people. Since you don’t listen to other people, in many places people feel bad because of you. You don’t listen. At least, the first step is that if someone says something to you, you should be able to listen, to at least try to understand what they are saying. When someone is saying something there are two things – maybe more – they say something in the front and something behind.
Listening and understanding versus lecturing and condescending
Why are they saying it? First you should be able to listen to what they are saying. Second, you should be able to listen to why they are saying it. Some people cannot say everything up front. Sometimes they know what they want to say but they are being nice to you. They don’t say, “You are arrogant, you are wrong.” They actually say, “Your car is driving behind the line.” They don’t want to say, “You are not a good driver.” and they don’t say it. They want to say something that you should be able to know, that there is more. Because of arrogance you don’t listen and that makes other people feel bad – because you are not listening. And when you talk, because of your arrogance, you don’t talk in a normal way. You talk like a dictator. Even discussions turn into lectures, because of your arrogance. That irritates people, that makes the people you are talking to uncomfortable.
Then this is actually a nice way – You just bring it, you don’t know it. Some people deliberately are being condescending, they deliberately look down on people, they deliberately show power, and that is horrible. Therefore, your arrogance makes you a bad listener, makes you an easy target sometimes, and is also bothering and irritating and giving trouble to a lot of people. If you are being arrogant, surely you know these are the problems and you think, “From now on I have to think twice before I believe I know everything. I have to think twice if someone is trying to tell me something and make sure I know what they are saying.”
I am not saying that everyone is saying meaningful things. People say all sorts of different things. Some people say things that don’t make sense at all. Some people are just saying it without reason. Some people are trying to say something to you. At least you should be able to listen to them and after doing that, it’s a different thing. You don’t have to do everything people tell you to do.
Sometimes arrogant people are next to you and are irritating you. These things happen very often in this world. Sometimes I feel that I could be that person. Sometimes I talk to people and sometimes they don’t respond. They just keep listening and I feel, “Oh, am I being the most arrogant person there and talking too much, because nobody responds?” That’s in a one to one situation and then I have to say, “Okay, thank you”, and I have to stop, when I am aware. Sometimes I also do too much.
If you or someone else are being arrogant
If you are irritating someone or if you are making someone feel uncomfortable because of your arrogance, then surely you should be aware of it, fix it, and train yourself in how to be humble and respectful to others. Then if someone else is sitting next to you, doing this kind of nonsense, then what should you do? At that time there are two things that people do. Sometimes they try to challenge, trying to prove the other person is wrong. This kind of thing can turn into many different things.
Sometimes because of arrogance there are physical fights, pushing each other. Hitting each other for no reason. The reason is only, “You are pushing me”, or “you are not respecting me.” Sometimes we don’t do these physical things. We are civilized people, very smart. So no hand fighting, but we have a lot of mouth fights, arguments. Sometimes we argue so much because of arrogance. If your arrogant friend says something that’s not right or not true, you want to argue with that person and say, “You are wrong.” Then that person says, “No, I am right, I am always right.” That’s arrogance. You say again, “You are wrong”, and your friend says, “No, you are wrong.” Then you argue and then sometimes you pull out your phone to prove it. That’s your judge, right, your phone. You say, “Let’s ask google.” Then you google and sometimes it is easy and google has one answer. Then your friend may say, “Okay.” But sometimes your friend is super-arrogant. Even when you pull up information they say, “No, I don’t believe those things.”
Then what do you do? You argue again and maybe you call a friend or maybe you argue about that thing for a few days and then bring it back when you are with your friend by yourself and the only third person available is the internet search engine. Then the next day you are visiting your friend and bring up that topic. You want to prove to your friend that you are right.Then you argue and your friend is super-arrogant and stubborn. Most arrogant people are stubborn. These two go together. Then you argue again and it is meaningless. Arguing with arrogant people is so hard. Then at that point, not arguing and just leaving the arrogant people there is much better than challenging them.
We have a lot of bullfrogs in Michigan. When you are next to a lake you hear them. One frog makes a sound and another frog will try to make a louder one. Then another one tries to make a louder one. They do it the whole night. Like that, it doesn’t help if someone is arrogant and you become louder or yell next to their ear. It doesn’t help. The best thing is to leave it. Leave it.
The tiger and the donkey
Sometimes funny stories are effective. In India they tell a story to teach kids. A tiger and a donkey are arguing about the color of the grass. The donkey says it’s blue and the tiger says it’s green. The tiger tries to prove that it’s green. The donkey never, never accepts that and keeps saying that the grass is blue, that it cannot be green. The tiger says no and like that, they argue the whole day. Finally they go the king, the lion. The lion king says, “The donkey is right. Tiger, you get punishment.” The tiger says, “You know I am right, you are smarter than that dumb donkey.” The lion says, “Yes, but the donkey is donkey, you are arguing with the donkey and I punish you. Not because you are wrong about the information. You are wrong about arguing with the donkey and bringing that idiot animal into my court.”
Actually, the tiger was right but wasting everybody’s time. That is idiotic. Therefore, when you see arrogant people and argue with them, remember, you are the tiger arguing with the donkey about the color of grass. You should think, “Should I continue arguing with the donkey or just leave and say, ‘You are right, donkey”. These are the options. If it is meaningful, if it matters in your life, then surely you have to do something. You cannot leave it because someone is arrogant and think they are right, no. But if something is not that meaningful, something that doesn’t matter in your life, then arguing so much is like arguing with an arrogant donkey.
The practice is to leave it there, with no need to challenge or compete
Therefore, in the practice it says: if someone is arrogant next to you, you don’t have to challenge them and try to be greater than them. That’s the wrong idea. If you are sitting next to arrogant people and trying to compete with them, it is like small kids who are the same size trying to be taller than each other. One says, “I am taller than you” and they try to stand on the tips of their toes.
When with arrogant people, if you try to challenge them with your arrogance, that is meaningless. Respectfully, let them win the argument. Who cares, right? Even if they think they are smarter than you, just leave it there. If they have a wrong belief and you try to help them and they don’t want to listen, then just leave it there. Leave it there respectfully. Sometimes we do it with sarcasm, like “Okay, you are an idiot, I let you win.” Don’t say that. If someone is being stubborn or arrogant and you want to stop, you don’t have to do it with sarcasm. Just say, “Okay, maybe you are right.” Just leave it there with respect. Don’t hurt that person’s feelings. If you hurt their feelings you are not doing the right thing. Why? This is not just about other people, but about yourself too.
Sometimes you argue with arrogant people like the tiger with the donkey. Why is the tiger arguing with the donkey? Because the tiger is arrogant too. The tiger thinks, “I am right, you are wrong.” That is also part of arrogance. Therefore, often we encounter and fight against arrogance and that is also coming from our own arrogance. If you let someone win, if you let them be who they are, that is part of practice. It’s not easy. If you are right and they say they are right. Then say, “Okay.” like if it is about whether the color of grass is green. Someone says it is blue or red or purple or whatever. At that moment you feel that you have to prove it, you have to say it, you have to win. But that is also part of arrogance. You have the arrogance of thinking that you are right. Therefore, in order to reduce your own arrogance, respectfully let them win an argument and just say, “Okay, maybe you are right.”
Don’t make the same mistake – do the opposite
If you are able to say that, it means you are less arrogant than that person. If you cannot say it, there is still arrogance within you. All the time in Dharma teachings they say: don’t make the same mistake as other people. If someone is arrogant to you, don’t be arrogant to them. If someone hates you, don’t try to hate them back. This is the thing. Therefore, in a similar situation, if they try to be arrogant to you and try to belittle you, if it matters in your life, then that’s a different thing. Other than that, do the opposite. If they belittle you, don’t belittle them. Just respect them, put them up. I don’t know what will happen to that person, okay, we are not trying to change that person. But it will make you more capable, able to handle many situations, many things.
That will make you a greater capacity person. Then you know how to ignore such arrogant talk. You know how to deal with different situations. That’s not an easy practice. Trying to use this is easy in a book. It seems very simple to do, but when something like that happens in real life, can you respect the arrogant person? No, it’s very, very hard. Therefore, the first thing is don’t fight with them continuously and secondly, respect them. If they look down on you, just don’t try to be a bigger idiot than that person. Be respectful and leave it. That is the practice. That is not easy and maybe that is not appropriate in someone’s head. That’s why I am saying: if the situation matters to your life, it’s different. I don’t mean that you have to obey bullies. You don’t obey bullies, but sometimes, in some situations, leaving it and respectfully letting them win is better than trying to overcome them or challenge them.
Overcoming Arrogance (Demo Rinpoche – Ancient Wisdom. Modern Times. #213 July 21, 2024)
